He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
