someone threw a dead crab at me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My life is pants optional.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
