I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
