smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
