Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
