I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
