dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
