My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
