what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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