I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
