You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
