I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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