I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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