So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
