I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
