please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
