Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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