Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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