What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
