"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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