i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
