He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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