I puked a lego.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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