We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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