Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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