You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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