I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
