He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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