Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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