i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
