look no pants
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
