don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
