well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
