Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
