i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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