Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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