I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
