my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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