Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
