I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
