There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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