when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
