Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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