Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
