Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
