I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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