First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
