I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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