hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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