Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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