a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
