Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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