obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
