Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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