is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
