i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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