I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
