I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize